Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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