Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
