i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
