i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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