I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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