legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
