so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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