that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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