So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
