I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
