woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
