Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
