Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
