i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
