im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
