you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
