She is in my trunk
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
