Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
