just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
