Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We were destined to go to rehab together
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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