And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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