Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
