so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
