I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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