The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
