dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
