I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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