Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
