I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
