hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
