it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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