I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
