Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
