ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
