I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
