I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize