she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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