there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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