She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize