6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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