I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
