Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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