I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
