Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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