so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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