Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
