I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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