her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
