we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
