At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
