I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
